Finishing Last (an old post by Jay Tan on A Spoonful of Sugar)

This was a post that Jay wrote in my blog shortly after his 28th birthday.

Jay, in my eyes--in the eyes of all your friends who knew and loved you--you will always be first. I love you, bro, and I'll miss you as sure as heaven.

--

A Spoonful of Sugar 2003, v.11
Finishing Last
By John Julian Tan III (contributing writer)
(Written: 15 September 2003)

This piece was written by one of my best friends, John Julian "Jay" Tan III, who, until recently, thought that he'd been living 28 years without having a single girlfriend. It turns out that he DID have a relationship at one time or another--only he didn't know that they were having a relationship at the time that it happened! (Now, isn't THAT interesting?!)

But, enough of that little side tidbit. What we have here is something that Jay wrote four years ago, and it talks about life and love... from the good guy's point of view.

* * * * *

Once upon a time, I believed that fairy tales did come true and that I would find a princess to call my very own someday and live happily ever after with. Unfortunately, life has played out more like a contrived horror novel and I am left cursing the Brothers Grimm for hammering such a crazy notion in my naive head. Lessons I’ve learned: Fairy tales don’t come true and princesses would rather go out with brutes and gnomes before having anything to do with a Prince Charming. In the game of dating and in the dance of courtship, these “nice guys" have a special reserved spot down at the bottom of the food chain, feeling more like Dopey rather than royalty.

Why do nice guys finish last? In retrospect, the nineties was the decade when chivalry officially died, but I didn’t think it would also spell the end to the Prince Charmings of the world. It is a jaded observation but girls prefer boorishness to sensitivity and passion over stability. One can never fully understand the rationale behind the female mind, but it just defies all logic, driving unsuspecting victims to look for long-term relationships with guys who are really just looking for flings. They are like moths drawn to a flame, ever-willing to be burned in the name of love.

This leaves the nice guy wallowing in misery and watching helplessly as one girl after another leaps into the arms of those guys who seem to have an edge about them. Whatever happened to finding a guy you could bring home to your mother? Unless I miss my guess, this may be one of the reasons why they never seem to get ahead. When the forerunners of women’s liberation first began their movement years ago, I’m sure they never expected their vision to evolve into what it is right now. We live in a world where opening doors and pulling out chairs for ladies won’t win you points with anyone. We live in a world where being courteous, well-mannered and sympathetic have become “flawed" traits rather than things you would look for in a guy. We live in a world where the females actually hold all the cards.

Things have indeed gone topsy-turvy and it is a misconception to think of it as a man’s world nowadays. Girls have assumed the roles that men for many generations were accustomed to. They are now the ones who conk guys on the head and drag them back to their caves; they are now the hunters and the conquerors. It is safe to think of the nice guys as timid, stationary targets while the bad boys can be likened to wild game, a chase that females can really sink their teeth into. Girls are in the game simply because they want to be known as the ones who tamed the savage beast.

In defense of females everywhere, the nice guy syndrome may not really be their fault. Nice guys, with all their sensitivity and kindness, almost always see their potential romantic situations “graduate" into deep, meaningful friendships. This is an inescapable plateau that, in reality, spells the doom and should dash any hopes of the nice guy carrying this friendship to another level. To girls, the nice guys suddenly get tagged as “comfortable"(like an old pair of socks) and their friendship becomes too “valuable"to risk it in the name of a relationship. They become spectators and sounding boards to the females who are busy with their hunt.

A lot of the nice guys accept this lot in life but some try their damnedest to shake off this clean-cut image. They eventually find out though, that their efforts are to no avail because try as they might, their inherent goodness just keeps cracking the veneer and seeping through.

I should know.

I’ve tried everything from antipathy to cigarettes but despite the smoke and mud that I’ve tried to cake myself in, I realize that I wouldn’t be happy if I found someone who would love me if I wasn’t me. That leaves me where I started, at the bottom of the food chain, waiting for some love to come my way.