It’s Christmas evening, and I am alone in my mom’s place, writing this entry while listening to Nat King Cole. Mom had to take a flight to Davao for work, and Aljoe and Erica joined her. I should be somewhere else, feeling the joy of the season. Instead I decided to use the time and the space to be alone and really just... feel.
What a crazy past few days. What a crazy Christmas. And it ain’t really over yet.
How it began, I really don’t know. Did it begin weeks or months ago, when disturbing dreams and feelings entered my consciousness? Did it begin when I started feeling an odd thump-thump in my heart and a familiar knot in the stomach? Or did it begin just that night, at someone else’s wedding (too much like the one we wanted to have for ourselves)?
I really don’t know. But it happened. And people got hurt. And Christmas took on a different meaning altogether.
Strangely enough, as I sit here with Nat King Cole’s voice singing “Unforgettable,” I feel an odd kind of peace knowing that I am strong, my mind is clear, and my feelings are real. Am I sad? Yes, that it happened. Am I in pain? Yes, still. Especially knowing that I was hurt and caused hurt in return. At Christmas, of all times. Am I angry? I was, but I somehow can’t feel it anymore. Am I scared? Yes, because of the uncertainty that tomorrow brings. But all these feelings are eclipsed by the fact that I feel so much Love flowing within me.
Love. At this time. While I’m alone. After everything that had happened in the past three days.
And I don’t know what will happen tonight, or in the next few days, or in the next year. All I know is that I will be guided by Love. Real, pure, uncomplicated Love.
What a crazy past few days. What a crazy Christmas. And it ain’t really over yet.
How it began, I really don’t know. Did it begin weeks or months ago, when disturbing dreams and feelings entered my consciousness? Did it begin when I started feeling an odd thump-thump in my heart and a familiar knot in the stomach? Or did it begin just that night, at someone else’s wedding (too much like the one we wanted to have for ourselves)?
I really don’t know. But it happened. And people got hurt. And Christmas took on a different meaning altogether.
Strangely enough, as I sit here with Nat King Cole’s voice singing “Unforgettable,” I feel an odd kind of peace knowing that I am strong, my mind is clear, and my feelings are real. Am I sad? Yes, that it happened. Am I in pain? Yes, still. Especially knowing that I was hurt and caused hurt in return. At Christmas, of all times. Am I angry? I was, but I somehow can’t feel it anymore. Am I scared? Yes, because of the uncertainty that tomorrow brings. But all these feelings are eclipsed by the fact that I feel so much Love flowing within me.
Love. At this time. While I’m alone. After everything that had happened in the past three days.
And I don’t know what will happen tonight, or in the next few days, or in the next year. All I know is that I will be guided by Love. Real, pure, uncomplicated Love.
“I don’t know why
I know these things
But I do.”
~ I Don’t Know Why, October Project
I know these things
But I do.”
~ I Don’t Know Why, October Project
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
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