01 September 2007

Gifts from a Crisis

Two days ago, I was walking around SM Megamall all dazed and in tears; I was working on a number of assignments that required mobility and a juggling act, yet I was running low on psychic (as in, “of the psyche”) and financial fuel to keep me going. I loved what I was doing, what I had been working on these past few months, yet the dismally low monetary rewards were forcing me to rethink my current engagements.

It was a heartbreaking moment for me. I loved the work I was doing, the people I was meeting because of it, and the task of sharing these people’s stories with thousands of readers. But I had already reached “survival mode”. With no well-paying retainer projects or six-figure accounts to back me up—as they had in previous years—how could I continue writing for magazines on a freelance basis?

I searched the mall for a Dunkin Donuts branch (I needed sugar, and Krispy Kreme was way off my budget), sat down, and just breathed—letting some telltale tears escape every now and then.

* * * * *

That same night, Serendipity allowed me to meet up with a good friend whom I know had been through a financial struggle in the past, but who was now enjoying all sorts of rewards brought about by God’s grace. You know those days when you’re not really looking for answers—but you just need to talk to someone who will understand your questions? That was one such day, and he was one such friend.

We talked about many things—about what I was going through (strictly off-the-record, confidential matters that I haven’t shared with anyone else), what kept me going, what I believed in, what I feared… and as he listened and understood and shared some of his own stories with me, I felt something going on inside and outside of me. It was as if Heaven were massaging my head to clear my thoughts, as if I were the recipient of a huge cosmic hug that absorbed all my pain and infused me with strength and courage. We both acknowledged that this meeting alone was the beginning of something at work around us, and that it wouldn’t be too long before the light at the end of the tunnel revealed itself to me.

For some strange reason, I am finding the light in the very things that I feared I had to give up. I don’t know what to call it, but I know the feeling now that I am in the middle of it.

* * * * *

This morning, I woke up with a mental note to get working on my due articles already. I scheduled myself to write at least three pieces for today alone (I’m working on my major feature and some other client deliverables tomorrow, thank God for the long weekend!), and somewhere in between writing the first and the second articles, I felt a rush of thoughts, ideas, words, and images coming at me. It was as if the Universe were replaying my favorite scenes from all my recent interviews, giving me a “best of” trailer that showed me all the great things that I had learned from all these wonderful people. There was indigenous musician and visual artist Nonoy Alcalde and our chat about pointillism and the cosmos; master violinist Alfonso “Coke” Bolipata and our discourse on the necessity of arts education for our young people; Julliard outstanding alumna Ana Valdes-Lim and her demonstrated passion for the performing arts; entrepreneurs Raul Francisco and Joanna Preysler and their adventures in fashion retailing; my uncle, award-winning visual artist Roy Veneracion, and his avant-garde abstractions; international visual artist Manuel Ocampo and his wildly experimental approach to artmaking… There were so many people, so many interesting discoveries—and so little space to share all of them!

To be honest, I don’t know if I’m loving what I do because I’m getting such great assignments… or if I’m getting such great assignments precisely because I love what I do (and it’s the Universe’s way of affirming me and my work). In any case, I’d rather not think about it too much. I’d like to continue basking in the light of Joy. Other people aren’t as lucky.

And somewhere inside my head, my Higher Self is telling Little Me, Don’t worry about the money. Don’t feel jaded—in spite of the proliferation of “journalists” who demand “gifts” for their features. Don’t feel disillusioned—in the midst of this scandal that a less-than-worthy “writer” has brought upon your profession. Don’t think about what your work will bring you—not yet, at least. Just do what you do because you love it, and everything else will fall into place.

As it turns out, my Higher Self is even much more optimistic than Little Me! I don’t know what to make of it, but I’ll just believe in it because it somehow makes sense to me.

* * * * *

Later this afternoon, Paul and I will be joining a full moon meditation session with my spiritual mentors and their community. In the midst of all our crises, my beloved and I have grown stronger in friendship, deeper in love, and higher in spirituality and purpose. I know that the past few months have brought with them a lot of uncertainty in terms of projects and finances, but they have gifted us with certainty about each other and our life together. If you ask me, I will not trade the experiences that we have undergone together and the lessons that we have learned from these for a million bucks. Not even for any amount.

And I know that things will always happen to test our resolve and make us question our beliefs. It’s happened to us so many times already in the past four years that our time together has already seemed like several lifetimes of “living, loving, and learning”—to borrow Leo Buscaglia’s title.

As I end this, there are certain payables that still bug me, certain to-do’s that I am not quite sure of how to accomplish. But I am reminding myself of the countless, inexplicable miracles that have already occurred in my 27-year existence, and I am once again assured that my innate gifts and my faith in the Universe will lead me down a path of Abundance and Serenity.

(Written: Sunday, 26 August 2007)

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