Openness and Vulnerability

This entry has been cross-posted from Via Filipina.

Last night I wrote—and quite openly, too—about a deeper issue that I had been contending with for quite some time now. In processing my questions concerning my romantic relationship, I inevitably ended up looking at my parents’ marriage and how my own broken relationship with my father has influenced many of the fears that I now face.

And I suppose that catharsis is often accompanied by moments of guilt and self-doubt, because the first thought that entered my mind this morning was: Did I really write all of that for the entire world to see?? What on earth was I thinking??

Clearly, acknowledging that I had all these feelings was one thing, but declaring them to the world was another. I know people (aside from my own mother) who would berate me for writing so candidly about our family’s “dirty laundry”. There was even one time when I got “hate mail” from someone I didn’t know who thought that I was being very annoying for broadcasting my life to the world.

I say to that: To each, his own.

* * * * *

I find some comfort in the words of Indian Nobel Prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore: “For undisguised pursuit of self has its safety in openness, like filth exposed to the sun and air.” In my search for a deeper sense of identity and purpose, I have discovered that there is, indeed, some security in openness, for what else do people have to take away from me or accuse me of when I have already laid it out there for everyone to see? There is no secrecy, there is no guilt, there is no tension between what the mind knows and what the Self experiences.

Conversely, I find that the more closed I am—the more I deny myself of my thoughts and feelings—the more vulnerable and exposed I feel. It’s like I’m always second-guessing others and myself, always paranoid about whether my words were revealing much more than they should, always tiptoeing, afraid of stepping on broken glass and hurting myself. But then, you see? The act of hiding, the act of tiptoeing, the act of denying—that, in itself, is hurtful. It’s hurtful not only me, but also to the people whom I hold dear. (Nobody likes to be around a volcano that’s always about to erupt.)

So, my dear friends, please indulge me in my openness. (At least if you get bored of the soap operas that are playing onscreen, you can always tune in to the soap opera of my life. It’s free of charge, too!)

* * * * *

In my other blog, Soul Work, I chose this line by the German philosopher Martin Buber as my Quote of the Day:

"Then, it requires me time after time to thank my fellow-man even when he has not done anything special for me. But for what? For encountering me for real when he encountered me; for opening his eyes and perceiving reliably what I had to tell him; yes, for opening what I talked to: the well-closed heart."

I dedicate this line to you, my dear readers and friends, who, by reading my words have acknowledged who I am and what I seek. You have seen me and have not judged me, you have even encouraged me and pushed me to go forward. In sharing my life and my experiences with you—whether I know you already or know you through the Universe’s mind—you have made me richer, fuller, more myself, and more able to face the challenges of the day.

Thank you.

© 2007 Niña Terol